Iain Thomas says only a hard heart shatters…

THE HARDEST YOU COULD BE

And you will find no fear here, in unkind words or the hardness of others.

And you will find no sadness here, in the meanness of the world, in the anger that comes from those who feel small.

And you will find no hurt here, in a million insults or a single, softly spoken lie.

Because only a hard heart shatters.

Only a hard heart, breaks.

– Iain Thomas, I wrote this for you  

 

 

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Townes Van Zandt sings don’t build your love on shame…

 

 

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Arundhati Roy says another world is not only possible…

“Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing.

- Arundhati Roy

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Dr. Nancy Kalish says it’s such a strong, unique bond…

7 Myths of Lost Love Reunions

Lost love reunions are a different kind of romance. Because there was an initial romance years ago — usually in the adolescent, formative years and lasting more than a year — these romantic partners are not new to each other.

The lost loves often struggle to understand what they are going through: it’s such a strong, unique bond that they tell me they feel “crazy.” And their friends and families tell them they must be crazy. They consult psychotherapists to sort out their emotions, but feel betrayed in therapy, and many discontinue therapy in anger.

Here are some of the recurring complaints, myths, that even professional counselors believe about rekindled romances:

Myth #1:  “You don’t know this person. You haven’t seen [him/her] for many years.”

Reality:  These lost loves do know each other … very well. Personalities don’t change much throughout the years. If they were happy together for 1-3 years as is often the case, seeing each other daily through high school and sometimes college, and only an external factor broke up the romance (moved away, too young, parents disapproved, etc.), they have shared formative years together and have a good chance of being a happy couple again.

Myth #2:  “It’s a new romance, so of course there is euphoria; but that wears off when you get to know this person. It’s just infatuation because it’s new.”

Reality:  The euphoria is not because of newness. It is the excitement of having this once-beloved person back in your life. And that sense of wonder remains through time as the couple spends their late-life years together.

Myth #3:  “It’s just a midlife crisis, a desire to get back one’s youth.”

Reality:  It has nothing to do with midlife. Couples reunited at all ages, with the average age being in the late 30′s/early 40′s. Just as many people reunited after 10 years apart (which could still be in their twenties) as 40 years apart. Yes, they do feel young again; but this is a wonderful and surprising byproduct of the reunion, not the purpose of it.

Myth #4:  “You are just having an affair. There is something wrong with your marriage and that is what needs to be worked on.

Reality:  Very often, if the lost loves happen to find each other again when one or both are married, and if they do begin an affair, their marriages may not be in trouble at all. Half of the participants in my surveys who were in rekindled romance affairs, said they were also in happy marriages. They never cheated before this (and they never do with anyone else after this) and they are very torn between their marriages and their lost loves. It has nothing to do with the state of the marriage. It has more to do with loving two different people at two different stages of life, and then suddenly the two collide.

Myth #5:  “It’s all about sex.”

Reality:  My research participants reported that their sexual involvement with their lost love partners was one of the strongest sexual experiences in their entire lives. But this isn’t because it’s new, or even because it’s sex; It’s because, they reported, the romance was the most “comfortable” and the most “trusting” romance of their lives. This is because of their past histories with their lost loves, and because of the intensity of having the lost loves back again in their lives after so many years away.

Myth #6:  “This rekindled romance is a fantasy. It’s just indicative of something unresolved from the past, usually concerning the family of origin.”

Reality:  If you want to make people angry very quickly, just tell them what they feel isn’t real, it’s “just a fantasy.” No, it’s not a fantasy, although it is about something unresolved from the past: these are two people who loved each other years ago and missed an opportunity to be together; now they want to correct that mistake.

Myth #7:  “You should just forget about it.”

Reality:  If someone has not contacted a lost love but is obsessed with the idea of doing so, it isn’t helpful to tell them that these feelings are simply nostalgia, not genuine, and they should put it out of their minds. When did it ever work for anyone obsessed about something to try to ignore it? It’s the elephant in the living room. Once the obsessive thoughts about a lost love take hold, they cannot easily be pushed back into the unconscious. You can work this through in psychotherapy, so you can function without making contact with a lost love, but this takes work.

Dr. Nancy Kalish, author:  Lost and Found Lovers; www.lostlovers.com

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Joan Rivers says there are two kinds of friends…

“There are two kinds of friends, and both mean very well,” she added. “One group doesn’t want you to grieve at all — ‘Come on, come on. It has been a week and a half since you lost Joe. Get out. Enough!’ The other kind never want to see you be anything but grieving. ‘Your husband is dead only eight years, and you’re wearing a red dress?’ ”

– Joan Rivers, New York Times

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Manuel J. Smith says you have the right to say no…

A BILL OF ASSERTIVE RIGHTS

You have the right to judge your own behavior, thoughts, and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.

You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior.

You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people’s problems.

You have the right to change your mind.

You have the right to make mistakes–and be responsible for them.

You have the right to say, “I don’t know.

You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them.

You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.

You have the right to say, “I don’t understand.”

You have the right to say, “I don’t care.”

- Manuel J. Smith, You Have the Right to Say No, Without Feeling Guilty, When I Say No, I Feel Guilty

 

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Will Hard says he absolutely nailed the mathematics of love…

“My feelings of love are hard to explain.  My love for others.  My love for each breath I am privileged to take.

It’s hard to explain to others.  It’s hard to explain to myself.

In our physical world, there are no words adequate to explain the complexity of our universe.  Those who provide the most precise explanations use the language of mathematics.  A formula that describes what happened in the past, what is happening now, and what we expect will happen in the future.

We invent the word gravity to explain the consistent and almost unbelievable observation of a magical attraction between every tiny particle across that vastness of our universe.  It is an attempt to describe something that cannot really be described or understood.

When I look at the night sky, a feeling of awe emerges.  That feeling of awe about an incomprehensible and magnificent universe is fully justified.  But my feeling of love seems even more real than that feeling of awe; even more incomprehensible and even more magnificent.

Here’s my best attempt at a mathematics of love.  It started almost the same as Cheryl Strayed’s story in Wild:  her mother asking her children how much she loved them as she gradually moved her hands apart.  It becomes clear you can’t hold your hands far enough apart.

One of my children has precocious mathematical abilities (explaining the Fibonacci series to me at age 8) and some social limitations(?) from an ever moving position on the autism spectrum.  Perhaps influenced by Pixar’s Toy Story, at age five he absolutely nailed the mathematics of love:

“I love you to infinity and back.”

Me too buddy.  Me too.”

– Will Hard, Publisher, Attempted Love

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