“Your ability will not help if you do not give your availability.”
– Saji Ijiyemi
When we dote on friends and lovers who don’t love us back, although it’s counter-intuitive, we are the ones who are emotionally unavailable. It’s easy to blame the love-avoidant, whose selfishness is obvious: they don’t return messages; don’t show up when they say: don’t communicate any change of plans; and even in person they’re evasive and non-committal. But love addicts or codependents appear as the very picture of availability, weighing every possible impact of their actions on the love object.
But that’s precisely the problem–human relatedness has become objectified. They aren’t interacting with a real person; they’re pinning their hopes on a fantasy. In a tragic paradox, the more they seek to make everything right, the less right it becomes. Forced emotional intimacy, which includes compulsive disclosure, is the hallmark of love addiction and codependency. To be truly available means to tolerate another’s unique reality without trying to force closeness, and even to accept rejection while still affirming loving-kindness.
People-pleasing prevents availability because to be genuinely available to others we must first be available to ourselves by practicing authenticity and self-care. When our mind clamors for our attention with endless mental chatter, it’s often a sign that we’re not available within. If you are held hostage by your mental and emotional states, you will probably find yourself held hostage by others’ drama, and you may be holding others hostage as well. Outer states reflect inner states. When you can find peace in the moment as it unfolds, you become available to your greater self.
Become available to your own thoughts and emotions, and ask what they want from you. Gently avail yourself within, and you will gradually lose patience for unavailable people and attract those who are truly present.
– Alexandra Katehakis and Tom Bliss, The Center for Healthy Sex, Daily Meditations, March 25, 2015